From Facts4U, it’s Who’s Your Daddy? a re-telling of Big Daddy
Who’s Your Daddy?
This is a parody of Jack Chick’s “Big Daddy” tract. This is “fair use” protected by the Copyright Act (Sect. 107).
Teacher: “Good morning, class! Today we’re going to be talking about EVOLUTION! Do you all know what evolution is?”
Everyone: “WE DO, SIR!”
Teacher: “Such smart students! Anyone want to start a discussion on this?”
Christian: “I do, sir!”
T: “Ah, yes! My Christian student! Okay, what about evolution would you like to discuss?”
C: “It’s a satanic lie!”
Everyone “Crazy Christian!”
T: “I’ll hear you out. Why do you feel evolution is wrong?”
C: “Because the HOLY BIBLE says it is. That’s why!”
T: “It does? Hmm… I don’t recall any such verse, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt for now.
C: “May I use your chalkboard, sir?”
T: “Sure! Here’s some chalk!”
1. Cosmic Evolution – Big Bang makes hydrogen
2. Chemical Evolution – higher elements evolve
3. Evolution of stars and planets from gas
4. Organic Evolution – life from rocks
5. Macro-evolution – changes between kinds of plants and animals
6. Micro-evolution – changes within kinds
T: “What the heck is THAT crap?”
C: “Aren’t they the six basic concepts of evolution? The first five being based on faith?”
T: “Goodness NO! … Say, you’ve been reading stuff by ‘Dr.’ Kent Hovind, haven’t you? HAW HAW HAW!”
C: “Um … yeah?”
T: “Listen, sonny: Kent Hovind is a so-called ‘Christian Scientist’ that god his PhD (in ‘Christian Education’) from a diploma mill. Have you seen his thesis? Here, read it! It’s barely high-school level! (http://www.kent-hovind.com) The man lies about radiocarbon dating. He believes in fire-breathing dragons! He’s a kook. To use him as a source is foolish at best.”
T: “The first four ‘concepts’ on your list have NOTHING to do with evolution. The final two (micro-evolution and macro-evolution), however are indeed concepts of evolution. And they both CAN be proven through simple observation, such as fruit flies or bacteria, respectively. In fact, they are basically the same process. Neither of these are based on ‘faith’ of any kind. (http://www.talkorigins.org)”
T: “Want to discuss prehistoric man?”
C: “Okay, do most experts agree now that Richard Leakey’s ‘Lucy’ was actually an unusual chimpanzee and NOT a missing link? (More Hovind bullshit)
C: “… oh.”
T: “There is NOT ONE reputable scientist that claims that! For example: Lucy’s pelvis is bipedal like a HUMAN, not a chimp!”
C: “Can I show you this chart, sir? It’s shows proof that evolution is a fraudulent tool of the devil!”
T: *SIGN* Poor misled kid… “Sure, go ahead.”
Nearly all experts agree Lucy was just a three foot tall chimpanzee
Built from a jaw bone that was conceded by many to be quite human.
Scientifically built up from one tooth, later found to be the tooth of an extinct pig.
The jawbone turned out to belong to a modern ape.
Supposedly 500,000 years old, but all evidence has disappeared.
At the Int’l Congress of Zoology (1958), Dj. A.J.E. Cave said his examination showed that this famous skeleton found in France over 50 years ago is that of an old man who suffered from arthritis.
NEW GUINEA MAN
Dates way back to 1970. This species has been found in the region just north of Australia.
One of the earliest and best established fossils is at least equal in physique and brain capacity to modern man… so what’s the difference?
This genius thinks we came from a monkey. “Professing themselves to be wise they become fools” Romans 5:22
T: “Sheesh! This chart has so many half-truths that it’s hard to believe it wasn’t made by someone that was trying to make Christians look BAD! Listen carefully while I tell you the FACTS.”
T: “See how distorted YOUR chart was? There were entries that should NOT have been there. They left out facts on the legit entries! They left out more compelling fossil evidence! (http://www.talkorigins.org/faws/homs/) And if apes and human are so obviously different, why can’t these Creation scientists agree on whether fossil skulls are human or ape? To them, it’s either one or the other, yet they can’t agree!”
T: “The old, outdated hoaxes or mistakes were proven to be hoaxes and mistakes NOT by Creationists but by … SCIENTISTS! That is what’s great about REAL science: When we make mistakes, we CORRECT them. We do NOT try to fit things to a prejudiced notion. That is what ‘Christian Scientists’ and ‘Creationist’ do. ‘Christian Science’ is an oxymoron, my friend!”
C: He’s crushing me with logic! That’s of the devil! I gotta think FAST! “Uh, isn’t it true that you determine dates of fossils and rock layers to EACH OTHER? Isn’t that circular reasoning?”
T: “ENOUGH with the Straw Men! Name ONE reputable scientist that does that! There are far better ways to date rock layers, as well as fossils, where one has nothing to do with the other. Such as radiometric dating.”
C: “How can rock layers be different ages? Petrified trees can be found going through many layers! Some are even upside down running through ‘millions of years’ worth of rock.”
T: “Ha ha ha! They solved that mystery a hundred years ago! Scientists never claim that just because there’s many layers of rock, that ALWAYS means the layers are ‘millions of years’ old! These so-called ‘Polystrate’ tree fossils are a result of faster-than-normal depositing of sediments due to ocean cycling, peat swamp, etc (http://www.talkorigins.org/faqs/polystrate/trees.html)
C: “Didn’t Earnst Haeckel make up drawings of gill slits on embryos to prove man evolved from fishes? Isn’t it true they AREN’T gills?”
T: *SIGH* Same old outdated arguments “125 years ago, that theory lasted FIVE whole years and was proven wrong by scientists. It hasn’t been in a textbook since. However, the same structures in the basic embryo become gills in fish and other structures in humans. Embryo homology.”
C: “Some satanic evolutionists say that the human tail bone is vestigial, which proves we evolved from animals with tails. Vestigial means ‘a body part we no longer use.’ There are nine muscles that attach to the tail bone!”
T: This kid is INSANE! “That doesn’t make it non-vestigial! You’ve mangled the definition! Vestigial means ‘rudimentary’! And the tailbone DOES apply, muscle attachments or not!”
T: “You picked a poor example, anyway! Probably deliberately! What about the appendix, the plantaris muscle in toes, the enlarged canines in our jaws, and so on?
C: “Well … um …”
T: “Ignoring evidence is never smart. That kind of thinking is how Creationists claim Leakery found a 212 million year old human skull … he didn’t.”
C: “Lemme try this: Some evolutionists claim whales have a vestigial pelvis, but they need to use them to reproduce! Even if there were ‘vestigial’ organs, isn’t losing something the opposite of evolution?”
T: “NO. Any change in a species is evolution – there’s no such thing as ‘directional’ evolution; you can’t get ‘higher’ or ‘lower’, merely better adapted for your current environment. When you’re exclusively aquatic, you don’t need legs for too much, and so evolutionarily speaking it makes sense to lose them. Oh, and by the way: Whale fossils WITH LEGS have been found. (http://www.enchantedlearning.com/subjects/whales/classification/Whalefossils.shtml)
C: “I can PROVE Christ scientifically! Through ATOMS! We know that electrons swirl around the nucleus of an atom … and that the nucleus of the atom consists of particles called neutrons and protons. Neutrons have no electrical charge and are therefore neutral – BUT – Protons have positive charges. One law of electricity is: LIKE CHARGES REPEL EACH OTHER! Since all the protons in the nucleus are positively charged, they should repel each other and scatter into space. Therefore, JESUS binds atoms!”
T: “BWAH-HAHAHA! That is HYSTERICAL! You don’t know the answer, so you say ‘Goddidit! Goddidit!’ Typical Creationist cop-out.”
Everybody: “HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAA”
T: “The protons don’t fly apart because ELECTRONS are negative and protons are positive. Gluons also help bind atoms, and they have been proven to exist (For more info read Michael Marten’s ‘The New Astronomy’ or Dr. Christine Sutton’s ‘The Particle Explosion’). Regardless, science does NOT pretend to have all the answers. We do not say ‘Goddidit’ when we should be saying ‘I don’t know, let’s find out.’ Remember, there was a time when people thought sickness was from demons. If we simply stuck to saying ‘Goddidit!’ we would NEVER have made any real progress in medicine or ANY sciences!”
C: Hmm …
C: “I don’t CARE! The BIBLE is flawless so THAT is what matters!”
Everybody: “NOW you’ve done it”
T: “Well, I didn’t want to veer off in this discussion, but since you brought that up… In the Bible, Jesus clearly states that if you believe in Him, that you can drink poison and not get sick (Mark 16:17). Wanna drink this glass of Drano and prove your faith?”
C: “Godless heathen…”
If the Bible is perfect and is to be taken literally:
Perhaps you could explain the two conflicting chronologies of Creation? This is among the thousands of OTHER contradictions, of course.
It’s no wonder Creationists ignore science, since it conflicts with The Bible. After all, that book says that bats are birds, and that insects have four legs. And that rabbits chew their cud!
There’s odd absurdities, too. Before eating the fruit, Adam and Eve didn’t know Right from Wrong. So they DID NOT KNOW that eating the fruit was wrong. So why did God punish them? Why did He punish ALL OF MANKIND for their actions? This is just?
Why did God destroy every living thing on Earth with a flood, including the innocent babies? What good did it do anyway, since God still had to deal with evil afterwards? Regardless, there is no scientific evidence of a Global Flood EVER happening on this planet.
Gen 1:1-2, 2:4-25
Why did God tell Abraham to sacrifice his son, just to test his faith? Wouldn’t God KNOW is Abraham had faith or not?
God sent tons of plagues since Pharaoh wouldn’t let Moses’ people go. But the reason the Pharaoh wouldn’t let them go was because every time he wanted to, God would repeatedly harden his heart. God was just showing off! Would a loving God do this?
If God knows everything, then He knows whether you will believe in Him or not BEFORE you are born. Therefore, He knows before your birth if you are going to Hell or not! If that’s the case, why have you be born at all? He either can’t do it, which means He’s not all-powerful, or He can do it and chooses not to, which means He’s not all-good.
And the list goes on and on …
One could argue that atheists actually treat Christ better than most Christians! We want the man to rest in peace. You want to keep Him writhing in agony on that cross every moment for all eternity!
“We love you, Jesus!”
“If you love me, GET ME DOWN! This hurts like a mutha!”
Though if He was God, what’s the big deal about His sacrifice, anyway? He knew He was going to paradise! This assumes Jesus even existed, of course. There is no non-biblical historical evidence that Jesus even existed!
In face, most evidence seems to indicate that the Christian religion is cobbled from many other religions. Gods like Zeus, Mithra, Horus, Orsiris, and many, many others have very similar stories.
1. Global flood
2. Three wise men following a star
3. Virgin birth
4. Born in a stable
5. Baptism to cleanse sin
6. Healing the sick
7. Sacred meal in remembrance
8. Sacrificial death (sometimes on a cross)
10. Went to heaven
And MANY more!
In fact, both the Christmas and Easter celebrations were taken from PAGAN holidays!
Why would a ‘perfect’ God create imperfect people that He punishes?
“Depart from me, ye curses, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels.” (Matt 25:41)
Do you really think a being that is intelligent enough to create the entire universe … Would be so ARROGANT and PETTY that He would have people suffer for all eternity is they won’t be His cheerleader?
T: “Religion was created because people were scared that when you die, it’s all over. That’s the reality, Kid.
C: “No! That CAN’T be true!”
T: “There’s no evidence of any magical space pixie that is going to bail us out when we croak. It’s scary, but that’s the way it is.”
T: “Evolution is merely the natural alteration of life forms through adaptation. It’s not that hard to figure out, nor is it without good solid evidence. THAT is also reality. Relax, science doesn’t bite.”
T: “Well, class is over. Hope you learned something! You’re a good kid, just a little mixed up. See you tomorrow! I’ve got to get these charts to that Stephen Hawking presentation. What a guy!”
Student 1: “Wow, that was some heavy stuff!”
C: “Yeah! He’s really opened my eyes! No more religion for me!”
Student 2: “What are you going to do now?”
C: “Before I change my mind, I think I’ll do stuff I couldn’t do as a Christian. Maybe I’ll masturbate or read some Harry Potter books! Maybe both at the same time! Who care? I’m a free thinker at last!”
The Bible says Christ is the only way to Heaven!
But then, it also says the Earth is flat (http://www.infidels.org/library/magazines/tsr/1990/1/1flat90.html)
MYTHS CAN’T SAVE YOU! BUT SCIENCE CAN!
1. Face Reality.
2. Be willing to learn new things.
3. Turn away from myths that can stifle you.
4. Study and read. Be the best you can possibly be, and more.
WHAT TO PRAY
“I hope no Christians harass me today.”
Did you accept the fact that science helps people?
If you answered yes, then you’re on your way to a wonderful life as a free thinker.
1. Sleep well knowing you aren’t going to fry in a fictional stove.
2. Know that you are NOT a “sinner” or a bad person and are a worthy human being.
3. Read and study … everything!
4. Don’t push your beliefs on others, but if asked, be honest. Maybe they will learn from you.
Want to learn more? Visit infidels.org!
Want to laugh? Visit chick.com!