• Who Will Be Eaten First?


    In the event you can’t place it, this is something of parody of a certain brand of religious tract that was threated off the artist’s page. The internet, however, has a tendency to route around ‘damage’ like that. This little bit of Evangelical Cthulhuism.

    “They were not composed altogether of flesh and blood. They had shape…but that shape was not made of matter. When the stars were right, They could plunge from world to world through the sky; but when the stars were wrong, They could not live. But although They no longer lived, They would never really die. They all lay in stone houses in Their great city of R’lyeh, preserved by the spells of mighty Cthulhu for a glorious resurrection when the stars and the earth might once more be ready for them”


    Doubter: “You’re gonna say I have to choose between God and the devil, right?”

    Believer: “WRONG!”

    B: “The stars are right! The Elder Gods are going to rise and eat us all!”

    TEXT: “In his house at R’lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming.” — HP Lovecraft

    B: Soon the evil spawn, who had slept for eons … will awaken to clear the earth of man!

    TEXT: That is not dead which can eternal lie … and with strange aeons even death may die. — HPL

    B: “NO ONE will be saved! EVERYONE will die and mankind itself will come to a horrible end!”

    TEXT: … I shall never sleep calmly again when I think of the horrors that lurk ceaselessly behind life in time and in space, and of those unhallowed blasphemies from elder stars that dream beneath the sea … — HPL

    B: “Soon the seas will turn red with the blood of the human race, as the unspeakable terrors come from beyond the gate, which is Yog Sothoth, to devour all in their path! Ia! Shub Nigguath! Ia! Ia!”

    D: “So if we’re all gonna die, what difference does it make? Who cares? Nothing I can do about it … or is there?!”

    B: “You’re right George … It’s hopeless. But there is one thing we can hope for … TO BE EATEN FIRST!

    D: “BE EATEN FIRST?! What the fuck kind of advantage is that?! Give me one good erason why I would WANT to be eaten first! ONE GOOD REASON!!!”

    B: “Do you really want to stick around and watch the entire world destroyed by evil creatures from beyond Hell?”

    D: “Not really …”

    D: “Oh God … your right … I don’t want to see it all end! I want to be eaten quickly! What do I have to do to make my death a swift one?”

    TEXT: The thing cannot be described – there is no language for such abysms of shrieking and immemorial lunacy … HPL

    B: “You must worship and sacrifice at the altar to appease the appetites of the Elder Gods! Then may you hope for a fast death!”

    Priest: “Ph’nglul mghw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!”

    Believers: “CTHULHU FHTAGN!”

    Witness: Gasp … This can’t be!

    B: “Chant invocations from the NECRONOMICON, the book of dead names written by the Mad Monk, Abdul Alhazred!”

    B: “Only then … on the dreaded day when they rise … Will you be eaten first!”


    The Elder Gods are coming and everyone is doomed!
    You might as well party and do all the shit you were always afraid to do!


    If you start to have dreams about cities where the geometry is all wrong and get inspired to make weird sculptures, do it!

    1. Don’t worry about going mad. There’s no avoiding it.
    2. Be prepared for horrible visions and creatures that will chill you to the bone!
    3. Remember … Yog Sothoth is the gate!

    Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn. Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn. Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.

    If you have done all this, and you go completely mad … the Elder Gods will eat you first! Or maybe not … maybe they’ll torture you in their dark and rotting lairs … but you won’t care by then because you’ll be insane! A shell of a human being! BWA HA HA HA HA!

    Just remember …
    That is not dead which can eternal lie,
    And with strange aeons even death may die.

    Help another person go mad with the knowledge of horrible evil! Get them this book: NECRONOMICON

    17 Responses to Who Will Be Eaten First?

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    7. Sam
      10/21/2011 at 10:33 pm

      I’ve been fattening myself up for this day.

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    9. Adam (no not that one)
      2/28/2012 at 5:26 am

      Ia CTHULHU!

      Nyarlathotep is coming to kill us all! Yay!

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    13. David Crass
      10/30/2013 at 10:50 am

      To be eaten first, vs. swimming in an eternal Lake o’ Fire. Oh, what to choose; what to choose.

    14. Radium_Coyote
      12/15/2014 at 6:05 pm

      Years later, but you have no idea how often I link to this. Nothing but genius. Thanks.

    15. 8/22/2015 at 11:53 pm

      I would be honoured to be eaten, of course, but I’d rather live long enough to take pleasure in watching the rest of humanity be eaten first. Ia Ia Cthulhu fhtagn!

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