[The bridge of the Satellite of Love. The Love Theme plays. The robots are gathered around a table which is covered with papers, books, and dice. They are wearing black capes.]
[The doors open and Mike Nelson walks in. The robots take no notice of him.]
Mike: Hi! I’m Mike Nelson. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. These are my robots: Gypsy, Tom Servo, and Crow T. Robot. Hi, guys!
[The robots ignore him.]
Mike: Hey guys. What are you doing?
Tom: Oh! We’re playing a fascinating game called Vampire: The MasqueradeTM. We pretend to be vampires, Gypsy makes up situations, and we have to say how our vampire would react to them. I’m Lord Byron de Lestatula, a fourth-generation kindred of the Clan Toreador. My sire was Kimbos the Old, and I have the powers of preternatural Celerity, Bull Fighting, and Walking in Beauty Like the Night.
Mike: Wow! That’s pretty impressive. How about you, Crow?
Crow: My name is Jerry, Mike.
Mike: [Confused] Just Jerry?
Crow: Yup. That’s me. Jerry the Vampire.
Mike: Okay. So, How did you become a vampire… um… Jerry?
Crow: Well, I just woke up one day and said, “I’m a Vampire!”
Mike: So what are Jerry and Lord Byron doing now?
Tom: Right now, Lord Byron de Lestatula and Jerry are investigating a lost castle that may contain a clue as to the whereabouts of a scrap of paper once touched by an Antedeluvian!
Mike: That sounds cool. So this is like Dungeons&Dragons?
[Tom and Crow turn to glare at Mike.]
Tom: Yeah. Right, Mike.
Crow: What do we look like to you? A bunch of snot-nosed little geeks? Sheesh!
Mike: Ah… well… I…
[Lights flash, indicating an incoming call.]
Mike: Oh, look! It’s Bilbo and the dwarves calling.
[Bobo appears on screen.]
Bobo: Hello, Nelson!
Mike: Where’s Mrs. F?
Bobo: The Lawgiver is not here right now. She’s punishing the brain guy.
Mike: What did he do?
Bobo: He returned this week’s experiment to Blockbuster, mistaking it for Eight Minute Abs. Ho ho! That will cost the Lawgiver a pretty penny in late fees.
Crow: No movie this week, guys!
Mike and robots: Yeah!!!
[Pearl Forrester walks up behind Bobo, clad in a PVC, dominatrix dress. She is leading the Observer by a rope around his neck. Bobo yelps in surprise as she pushes him off screen.]
Pearl: Not so fast, Nelson the Barbarian. Thanks to Brains of Tapioca here, I don’t have a movie to torture you with.
[She yanks on the rope, causing the Observer to fall down out of view.]
Tom: And there was much rejoicing.
Mike and robots: Yeah!!!
Pearl: Don’t think I’ll let you off that easily. I do have a piece of early 80’s dribble from that paragon of paranoia, Jack T. Chick. Think impressionable young minds. Think global satanic conspiracy. Think of pain as I give you…
[The movie sign lights up, and sirens sound.]
Mike: Movie sign!
Tom: Tract Sign!
Crow: Track Lighting?
[Everyone runs around, heading in the direction of the theater.]
Mike: Dark Dungeons and 18th-century New England curtains on the next Martha Stewart.
Tom: Federal regulation by F.T.C.
Crow: Music by X.T.C.
Mike: Everything else by E.T.C.
Crow: Such original names.
Mike: I didn’t realize that this was a formal game.
Tom: Hey. This isn’t a D&D game! Where’s all the Mt. Dew?
Crow: And the Doritos?
Mike: Plus, the women outnumber the men!
Crow: Well, it is a ‘Chick Tract’! hehehe … ahem.
Tom: Oh my God! They killed Black Leaf!
Crow: You bastards!
Mike: No dice rolling and she’s dead? This is my kind of DM!
Tom: Please leave your character sheet at the door when you leave. Thankyouverymuch. Buh-bye.
Crow: Wait! I thought she was a wizard?
Mike: No, she is a cleric named ‘Wizard’.
Tract: … you have the personality for it now.
Tom: What kind of personality is that?
Mike: One that’s easy to manipulate and fool.
Crow: Oh. Baptists.
Tom: Man! These Shriners conventions get stranger all the time.
Mike: I liked it better when they just drove around in little cars.
Crow: Hey! She’ll be the 14th member of the coven! Old Jack must be slipping.
Tom: You know, it so hard to tell from these robes. Are they supposed to be 1st, 2nd, or 3rd Edition clerics?
Tract: I knew you were ready by the way you played the game…
Mike: Her die rolling was so…
Tom: I haven’t seen any dark dungeons yet.
Crow: There’s one hidden behind the potted plant.
Crow: Whoa! I think the DM made a stinky.
Tom: Debbie. Elfstar. Sheesh. Which is it?
Crow: Which witch is which! Ha… ha ha… hum.
Mike: You know this reminds me so much of High School.
Tom: Two women conspiring to manipulate the men in their lives?
Mike: No. The Members Only jacket.
Crow: [In Sachmo voice] Well Hello, DM!
Tom: Because, as we all know, the path that leads straight to hell is paved with lead miniatures and polyhedral dice!
Mike: Only two-hundred bucks? That will get you a couple of books, a half-melted miniature, and an old, marbleized d8.
Mike: Crimony! Doesn’t this girl have a home?
Crow: [In a girl’s voice] I can’t mom, I’m trying to role-play all by myself.
Tract: … I’m fighting the Zombie …
Mike: Because it’s the only one.
Tom: Dibs on the zombie.
Crow: June Cleaver in a role that will shock you!
Tom: [As mom] She’s just up stairs hanging around.
Mike: Yeah, you can help her roll up a new character.
Crow: Oh my God! They killed …
Mike: OK, once was enough.
Tom: No Marcie, don’t change the light bulb with your mouth!
Crow: Looks like she’s too late to save a hanging witch!
Mike: I believe that NOOOOO is a Chick trademark. I remember his clever use of it in Holy Joe!
Crow: If she is so alone, who did she leave the note for?
Tom: I am just glad they’re not playing Call of Cthulhu! Imagine the body count then!
Crow: You know, I once had a Call of Cthulhu character that lasted three days.
Tom: No, you lie!
Crow: Yes, it’s true!
Mike: That’s because Gypsy was the Keeper, and you hid the dice!
Crow: But it was three days!
Crow: If only her dumb thief had made her saving throw!
Tract: Get your priorities straight, Debbie …
Mike: For example, you haven’t changed your clothes in days!
Tract: It would have happened sooner or later …
Mike: Yeah, with her jumping on the bed all day and that noose just hangin’ there.
Tract: But the law of our faith …
Crow: That one must be in the Unearthed Arcana or one of those Skills and Powers books.
Mike: Damned rule lawyers.
Tract: Don’t be stupid, Debbie …
Mike: Slim chance of that.
Tract: I want to be Debbie …
Crow: I wanna be a dancer, a singer, a poet…!
Crow: Hey, his name is Mike too!
Tom: Run Debbie! For God’s sake, run!
Tract: I have been praying and fasting for you …
Tom: As opposed to praying and fasting to solve real problems.
Crow: Like hunger! World Peace. A Piece of A …
Tract: Why would you do that for me?
Mike: Well I was hoping that I could get your attention and you could maybe go out with me.
Crow: Ah, inter-religious romance.
Tom: Boy it’s going to be a strange Easter/Beltane at their house! He brings home an Easter Bunny and she cuts it up.
Mike: Witches don’t really sacrifice animals.
Crow: I can think of a couple I’d like to see on a bloody altar about now.
Mike: Oh, Debbie. You silly little witch.
Tract: Because I know what you’re involved in …
Crow: A harmless little fantasy game?
Tract: It’s a spiritual warfare …
Tom: [In an big announcer voice] This Sunday-sunday it’s war! Only on pay-per-view!
Mike: Now this is where we get to hear his lame pick up line.
Tract: Come with me to a meeting …
Crow: Is that what the kids are calling it this days?
Tract: … and he knows what you’re up against.
Mike: Yeah. He used to be an awkward teenage girl, too.
Tract: … But you have been trapped in a dungeon of bondage.
Tom: This weekend on the Spice channel.
Crow: Hey, maybe this is getting better!
Mike: Tom Skerritt in role he would like to forget.
Tom: Welcome to Witches Anonymous. I’m Tom …
All: Hi, Tom.
Tom: And I’m a witch.
Mike: Oh look, it is the Wise Old Man© from all the Chick Tracts to laboriously quote the bible and tell us what is what.
Tom: Sort of like a religious Fat Albert?
Mike: Only white.
Crow: And skinny.
Mike: Yeah, and no where near as cool.
Crow: Of course it has to be a man.
Tom: Yeah, did you notice that all of the evil ones were women and the only “good” ones were men?
Mike: Old Jack is having a hard time coming into the 20th century.
Tract: Don’t throw them away. Burn them! …
Tom: Burn the books! Burn the books!
Mike: [In a back-woods accent] Yeah wes Chris’ns don’ wan’ no books. Thems learnin’ is hard.
Tom: Hey, Mike. Can you find the Bible in occult bookstores too?
Crow: And the fake Necronomicon at Waldenbooks?
Tom: [In televangelist voice] And they have bibles in motels and we all know what goes on there!
Mike: Just ask Jessica Hahn.
Mike: If you are here just for the free punch and cookies, then form a line to the back.
Crow: Oh look, she changed her clothes!
Mike: More metaphor, Crow.
Tom: Old Jack is a subtle little devil, isn’t he?
Tom: Can I get an Amen!
Crow: You know this is the type of attitude that is going to get her married to an abusive trucker named Earl right out of High School.
Tom: You know, Mike, I read Acts 19:13-17 and I still don’t know what it means or how it relates to this.
Mike: I know. I thought that this was about D&D, then it turned to witches, and now Jack is talking about evil spirits, Greeks, and Jews…
Crow: And so on, and so on, and Scooby-dooby-do.
Crow: Woo! This is going to be the best Homecoming bonfire ever!
Mike: Burn the satanic checker board!
Tom: I thought only witches danced around fires?
Mike: It depends on what you are burning.
Crow: If you are a witch, then you burn wood from a sacred grove each Beltane.
Mike: If you are a paranoid Christian, then you burn witches.
Tom: [In a British accent] And what do we burn besides witches? More witches!
[On the bridge. Tom and Mike are relaxing after the tract.]
Tom: Mike, I’m confused.
Mike: Yeah, twisted logic does that to everyone. What can I help you with?
Tom: Well, it starts in a well-lit room with some kids playing a good-natured game, then we switch to witches who do little worse than hang out and wear bathrobes, and we end with Tom Skerritt in a loose adaption of The Crucible. So my question is: What was I supposed to learn?
[Crow enters. He is wearing a black, pointed hat.]
Crow: I don’t know about you, but Chick taught me that witches rock! They get to fight zombies, wear cool clothes, hang out with Ms. Frost, and engage in mind bondage.
Mike: Witches aren’t really like that at all. Neither are D&D players, for that matter.
Tom: So we should be like Tom Skerritt, become born again, and burn things!
Mike: No, Tom. Most Christians aren’t really like that either. Neither is Tom Skerritt.
Crow: [Knocks off his hat.] Well, now I’m confused. What are we supposed to believe in?
Mike: Well, that most people believe in worshipping the being that gave them life. Also, to treat people who believe in something else with dignity and respect.
Tom: But Mike, you give us life. Well, you and the power grid on Deck 11.
Mike: Worship me, then!
[Lights flash, indicating an incoming call. Pearl, Bobo, and the Observer appear on the viewscreen. Pearl, still in the PVC suit, has both Bobo and the Observer in chains.]
Mike: Oh look. It’s Jason and the Argonuts.
Pearl: Well, Nelson, you’ve managed to survive another experiment. When I finish with these two, though, I’ll be back with more. I’m sure I have a copy of Watchtower around here somewhere.
[Theme music begins. Fade to black.]
Original Concept: Web Warlock
Additional Dialogue: Michael S. Webster
Site Design: P.D. Magnus
Misinformation: John Todd
Best Boy: Jay Chandler
Shopping List: Eggs, Cheese, Frozen Burritos,Soda,Pretzels
Related Links Mystery Science Theater 3000, Chick Publications
Mystery Science Theater 3000 ©1999,2000 Best Brains.
Dark Dungeons ©1984 Chick Publications.