• MST3K meets Dark Dungeons

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    [The bridge of the Satellite of Love. The Love Theme plays. The robots are gathered around a table which is covered with papers, books, and dice. They are wearing black capes.]

    Crow: Botch!

    [The doors open and Mike Nelson walks in. The robots take no notice of him.]

    Mike: Hi! I’m Mike Nelson. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. These are my robots: Gypsy, Tom Servo, and Crow T. Robot. Hi, guys!

    [The robots ignore him.]

    Mike: Hey guys. What are you doing?

    Tom: Oh! We’re playing a fascinating game called Vampire: The MasqueradeTM. We pretend to be vampires, Gypsy makes up situations, and we have to say how our vampire would react to them. I’m Lord Byron de Lestatula, a fourth-generation kindred of the Clan Toreador. My sire was Kimbos the Old, and I have the powers of preternatural Celerity, Bull Fighting, and Walking in Beauty Like the Night.

    Mike: Wow! That’s pretty impressive. How about you, Crow?

    Crow: My name is Jerry, Mike.

    Mike: [Confused] Just Jerry?

    Crow: Yup. That’s me. Jerry the Vampire.

    Mike: Okay. So, How did you become a vampire… um… Jerry?

    Crow: Well, I just woke up one day and said, “I’m a Vampire!”

    Mike: So what are Jerry and Lord Byron doing now?

    Tom: Right now, Lord Byron de Lestatula and Jerry are investigating a lost castle that may contain a clue as to the whereabouts of a scrap of paper once touched by an Antedeluvian!

    Mike: That sounds cool. So this is like Dungeons&Dragons?

    [Tom and Crow turn to glare at Mike.]

    Tom: Yeah. Right, Mike.

    Crow: What do we look like to you? A bunch of snot-nosed little geeks? Sheesh!

    Mike: Ah… well… I…

    [Lights flash, indicating an incoming call.]

    Mike: Oh, look! It’s Bilbo and the dwarves calling.

    [Bobo appears on screen.]

    Bobo: Hello, Nelson!

    Mike: Where’s Mrs. F?

    Bobo: The Lawgiver is not here right now. She’s punishing the brain guy.

    Mike: What did he do?

    Bobo: He returned this week’s experiment to Blockbuster, mistaking it for Eight Minute Abs. Ho ho! That will cost the Lawgiver a pretty penny in late fees.

    Crow: No movie this week, guys!

    Mike and robots: Yeah!!!

    [Pearl Forrester walks up behind Bobo, clad in a PVC, dominatrix dress. She is leading the Observer by a rope around his neck. Bobo yelps in surprise as she pushes him off screen.]

    Pearl: Not so fast, Nelson the Barbarian. Thanks to Brains of Tapioca here, I don’t have a movie to torture you with.

    [She yanks on the rope, causing the Observer to fall down out of view.]

    Tom: And there was much rejoicing.

    Mike and robots: Yeah!!!

    Pearl: Don’t think I’ll let you off that easily. I do have a piece of early 80’s dribble from that paragon of paranoia, Jack T. Chick. Think impressionable young minds. Think global satanic conspiracy. Think of pain as I give you…
    Dark Dungeons!

    [The movie sign lights up, and sirens sound.]

    Mike: Movie sign!

    Tom: Tract Sign!

    Crow: Track Lighting?

    [Everyone runs around, heading in the direction of the theater.]


    Mike: Dark Dungeons and 18th-century New England curtains on the next Martha Stewart.
    Tom: Federal regulation by F.T.C.
    Crow: Music by X.T.C.
    Mike: Everything else by E.T.C.


    Crow: Such original names.
    Mike: I didn’t realize that this was a formal game.
    Tom: Hey. This isn’t a D&D game! Where’s all the Mt. Dew?
    Crow: And the Doritos?
    Mike: Plus, the women outnumber the men!
    Crow: Well, it is a ‘Chick Tract’! hehehe … ahem.


    Tom: Oh my God! They killed Black Leaf!
    Crow: You bastards!
    Mike: No dice rolling and she’s dead? This is my kind of DM!
    Tom: Please leave your character sheet at the door when you leave. Thankyouverymuch. Buh-bye.


    Crow: Wait! I thought she was a wizard?
    Mike: No, she is a cleric named ‘Wizard’.
    Tract: … you have the personality for it now.
    Tom: What kind of personality is that?
    Mike: One that’s easy to manipulate and fool.
    Crow: Oh. Baptists.


    Tom: Man! These Shriners conventions get stranger all the time.
    Mike: I liked it better when they just drove around in little cars.
    Crow: Hey! She’ll be the 14th member of the coven! Old Jack must be slipping.
    Mike: Inflation.
    Crow: Oh.
    Tom: You know, it so hard to tell from these robes. Are they supposed to be 1st, 2nd, or 3rd Edition clerics?


    Tract: I knew you were ready by the way you played the game…
    Mike: Her die rolling was so…
    Tom: Dark?
    Crow: Evil?
    Mike: Lucky.
    Tom: I haven’t seen any dark dungeons yet.
    Crow: There’s one hidden behind the potted plant.


    Crow: Whoa! I think the DM made a stinky.
    Tom: Debbie. Elfstar. Sheesh. Which is it?
    Crow: Which witch is which! Ha… ha ha… hum.
    Mike: You know this reminds me so much of High School.
    Tom: Two women conspiring to manipulate the men in their lives?
    Mike: No. The Members Only jacket.


    Crow: [In Sachmo voice] Well Hello, DM!
    Tom: Because, as we all know, the path that leads straight to hell is paved with lead miniatures and polyhedral dice!
    Mike: Only two-hundred bucks? That will get you a couple of books, a half-melted miniature, and an old, marbleized d8.


    Mike: Crimony! Doesn’t this girl have a home?
    Crow: [In a girl’s voice] I can’t mom, I’m trying to role-play all by myself.
    Tract: … I’m fighting the Zombie …
    Mike: Because it’s the only one.
    Tom: Dibs on the zombie.


    Crow: June Cleaver in a role that will shock you!
    Tom: [As mom] She’s just up stairs hanging around.
    Mike: Yeah, you can help her roll up a new character.


    Crow: Oh my God! They killed …
    Mike: OK, once was enough.
    Tom: No Marcie, don’t change the light bulb with your mouth!
    Crow: Looks like she’s too late to save a hanging witch!
    Mike: I believe that NOOOOO is a Chick trademark. I remember his clever use of it in Holy Joe!


    Crow: If she is so alone, who did she leave the note for?
    Tom: I am just glad they’re not playing Call of Cthulhu! Imagine the body count then!
    Crow: You know, I once had a Call of Cthulhu character that lasted three days.
    Tom: No, you lie!
    Crow: Yes, it’s true!
    Mike: That’s because Gypsy was the Keeper, and you hid the dice!
    Crow: But it was three days!


    Crow: If only her dumb thief had made her saving throw!
    Tract: Get your priorities straight, Debbie …
    Mike: For example, you haven’t changed your clothes in days!


    Tract: It would have happened sooner or later …
    Mike: Yeah, with her jumping on the bed all day and that noose just hangin’ there.
    Tract: But the law of our faith …
    Crow: That one must be in the Unearthed Arcana or one of those Skills and Powers books.
    Mike: Damned rule lawyers.


    Tract: Don’t be stupid, Debbie …
    Mike: Slim chance of that.
    Tract: I want to be Debbie …
    Crow: I wanna be a dancer, a singer, a poet…!


    Crow: Hey, his name is Mike too!
    Tom: Run Debbie! For God’s sake, run!
    Mike: H-hey!
    Tract: I have been praying and fasting for you …
    Tom: As opposed to praying and fasting to solve real problems.
    Crow: Like hunger! World Peace. A Piece of A …
    Mike: Crow!
    Tract: Why would you do that for me?
    Mike: Well I was hoping that I could get your attention and you could maybe go out with me.
    Crow: Ah, inter-religious romance.
    Tom: Boy it’s going to be a strange Easter/Beltane at their house! He brings home an Easter Bunny and she cuts it up.
    Mike: Witches don’t really sacrifice animals.
    Crow: I can think of a couple I’d like to see on a bloody altar about now.
    Mike: Crow!


    Mike: Oh, Debbie. You silly little witch.
    Tract: Because I know what you’re involved in …
    Crow: A harmless little fantasy game?
    Tract: It’s a spiritual warfare …
    Tom: [In an big announcer voice] This Sunday-sunday it’s war! Only on pay-per-view!
    Mike: Now this is where we get to hear his lame pick up line.
    Tract: Come with me to a meeting …
    All: Yeah!
    Crow: Is that what the kids are calling it this days?
    Tract: … and he knows what you’re up against.
    Mike: Yeah. He used to be an awkward teenage girl, too.


    Tract: … But you have been trapped in a dungeon of bondage.
    Tom: This weekend on the Spice channel.
    Crow: Hey, maybe this is getting better!
    Mike: Tom Skerritt in role he would like to forget.
    Tom: Welcome to Witches Anonymous. I’m Tom …
    All: Hi, Tom.
    Tom: And I’m a witch.


    Mike: Oh look, it is the Wise Old Man© from all the Chick Tracts to laboriously quote the bible and tell us what is what.
    Tom: Sort of like a religious Fat Albert?
    Mike: Only white.
    Crow: And skinny.
    Mike: Yeah, and no where near as cool.
    Crow: Of course it has to be a man.
    Tom: Yeah, did you notice that all of the evil ones were women and the only “good” ones were men?
    Mike: Old Jack is having a hard time coming into the 20th century.
    Tract: Don’t throw them away. Burn them! …
    Tom: Burn the books! Burn the books!
    Mike: [In a back-woods accent] Yeah wes Chris’ns don’ wan’ no books. Thems learnin’ is hard.
    Tom: Hey, Mike. Can you find the Bible in occult bookstores too?
    Crow: And the fake Necronomicon at Waldenbooks?
    Tom: [In televangelist voice] And they have bibles in motels and we all know what goes on there!
    Mike: Just ask Jessica Hahn.


    Mike: If you are here just for the free punch and cookies, then form a line to the back.
    Crow: Oh look, she changed her clothes!
    Mike: More metaphor, Crow.
    Tom: Old Jack is a subtle little devil, isn’t he?


    All: Hallelujah!
    Tom: Can I get an Amen!
    Crow: You know this is the type of attitude that is going to get her married to an abusive trucker named Earl right out of High School.
    Tom: You know, Mike, I read Acts 19:13-17 and I still don’t know what it means or how it relates to this.
    Mike: I know. I thought that this was about D&D, then it turned to witches, and now Jack is talking about evil spirits, Greeks, and Jews…
    Crow: And so on, and so on, and Scooby-dooby-do.


    Crow: Woo! This is going to be the best Homecoming bonfire ever!
    Mike: Burn the satanic checker board!
    Tom: I thought only witches danced around fires?
    Mike: It depends on what you are burning.
    Crow: If you are a witch, then you burn wood from a sacred grove each Beltane.
    Mike: If you are a paranoid Christian, then you burn witches.
    Tom: [In a British accent] And what do we burn besides witches? More witches!

    [On the bridge. Tom and Mike are relaxing after the tract.]

    Tom: Mike, I’m confused.

    Mike: Yeah, twisted logic does that to everyone. What can I help you with?

    Tom: Well, it starts in a well-lit room with some kids playing a good-natured game, then we switch to witches who do little worse than hang out and wear bathrobes, and we end with Tom Skerritt in a loose adaption of The Crucible. So my question is: What was I supposed to learn?

    [Crow enters. He is wearing a black, pointed hat.]

    Crow: I don’t know about you, but Chick taught me that witches rock! They get to fight zombies, wear cool clothes, hang out with Ms. Frost, and engage in mind bondage.

    Mike: Witches aren’t really like that at all. Neither are D&D players, for that matter.

    Tom: So we should be like Tom Skerritt, become born again, and burn things!

    Mike: No, Tom. Most Christians aren’t really like that either. Neither is Tom Skerritt.

    Crow: [Knocks off his hat.] Well, now I’m confused. What are we supposed to believe in?

    Mike: Well, that most people believe in worshipping the being that gave them life. Also, to treat people who believe in something else with dignity and respect.

    Tom: But Mike, you give us life. Well, you and the power grid on Deck 11.

    Mike: Worship me, then!

    [Lights flash, indicating an incoming call. Pearl, Bobo, and the Observer appear on the viewscreen. Pearl, still in the PVC suit, has both Bobo and the Observer in chains.]

    Mike: Oh look. It’s Jason and the Argonuts.

    Pearl: Well, Nelson, you’ve managed to survive another experiment. When I finish with these two, though, I’ll be back with more. I’m sure I have a copy of Watchtower around here somewhere.

    [Theme music begins. Fade to black.]

    Original Concept: Web Warlock
    Additional Dialogue: Michael S. Webster
    Site Design: P.D. Magnus
    Webhosting: Fecundity.com
    Misinformation: John Todd
    Best Boy: Jay Chandler
    Shopping List: Eggs, Cheese, Frozen Burritos,Soda,Pretzels

    Related Links Mystery Science Theater 3000, Chick Publications

    Mystery Science Theater 3000 ©1999,2000 Best Brains.
    Dark Dungeons ©1984 Chick Publications.

    One Response to MST3K meets Dark Dungeons

    1. Tim Cassidy
      8/22/2015 at 12:17 am

      funny stuff.. too bad these scripts weren’t animated videos… the MST3K crew would do a great parody

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