• The Seventh Sign, Prince of Darkness, The Prophecy, The Sentinel, Drag Me To Hell, Left Behind: The Movie (255/141)

    by  • 5/21/2011 • movies • 0 Comments

    Rapture-rama Movie Extravaganza for Harold Camping’s End of the World Prediction. Let’s see how far I get before the world ends…

    THE SEVENTH SIGN (Netflix) – Demi Moore has to be the worst landlady ever. The audience might know that this guy’s popping open the seals and summoning famine and war and death, but you don’t know what he’s up to, so keep your hands off his stuff.

    The film is a bit more focused than I remember, but it does go off in a bunch of directions at once. The parallel court case feels a bit tacked on; you know it’s going somewhere, but the reason is hidden and annoying. I do like that the Jewish kid gets dragged into this to help, even though the Apocalypse in Revelations is Christian myth, and Judaism says nothing about it. There’s a bit of Jewish mysticism thrown in with the Hall of Souls (The Guf), and the seven signs don’t really line up with Revelations as far as I can tell. It does go off in a couple too many directions, and the ending is a bit too soft, but it’s interesting enough.

    PRINCE OF DARKNESS (Netflix) – Have Satan in a jar in the basement of your church? Who you gonna call? Well, what priest would call anyone other than The League of Theoretical Physicists?

    the·o·ret·i·cal?(adj) 1. of, pertaining to, or consisting in theory; not practical (distinguished from applied). 2. existing only in theory; hypothetical. 3. given to, forming, or dealing with theories; speculative.

    Next time, maybe the priest will think to call practical scientists. One by one, the scienticians line up to be killed by Satan’s almighty Green Goo. Only A.J. Simon is safe with his Satan-straining porn-stache!

    The container was buried somewhere in the middle east, eons ago, by; it gets a little wild here; the Father of Satan. A god who once walked the earth before man, but was somehow banished to the Dark Side. Apparently the father buried his son inside the container. This was the section someone was trying to erase… Now, later on here, Christ comes to warn us; he was of extra-terrestrial ancestry, but a human-like race

    Finally, they determine Christ is crazy, but he’s also gaining power, converting a lot of people to his beliefs.
    So, they kill him. But, his disciples keep the secret, and hide it from civilization until man could develop a science sophisticated enough to prove what Christ was saying.

    Obviously, this film has a mythology and reality all its own. In some ways, I like the idea that the Catholic Church functioned as the Men In Black, to fight off an alien force, but over the years got distracted by rituals and hot hot altar boys.

    It starts off pretty well despite some of its goofier ideas, but then turns into a bit of a siege…. waiting waiting waiting for something to happen. Then, when things do happen, it wraps up a little too easily.

    THE PROPHECY (DVD) – This is one of the first movies I saw that presented the sociopathic disconnect of the Heavenly Host from humanity. I also turned my early religious experience on its head by showing the “bad guy” Lucifer as being a better choice in the moment than Gabriel.

    What kind of teacher finds one of her kids sitting on the knee of an apparently homeless Stoltz in the storage room and doesn’t freak out? A BAD teacher, that’s who. In keeping with the child abuse theme, Walken as the sociopathic Gabriel, teaches kids how to blow his horn in exchange for candy.

    THE SENTINEL (1977) (Netflix) – The 1970s and the big studio Satan films… There’s an annoying thing with the photography here – characters shot behind extremely blurry foreground elements. I’m not really sure what’s up with that. During the intro credits, there’s something that feels almost reminiscent of LAST TANGO IN PARIS; just the couple shopping for a lamp, I guess… in the 70s… There’s also a zoom-in to two girls in a commercial-shoot that’s obviously being run in reverse…

    It’s a bit like a non-scary version of THE EXORCIST meets ROSEMARY’S BABY at the junction of ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW. This film released two years after RHPS, and features Susan Sarandon’s husband (at the time) Chris Sarandon.

    I didn’t look much further than the synopsis when adding this one to the playlist for today, but it also features surprise Christopher Walken and Jerry Orbach and Jeff Goldblum in minor roles.

    DRAG ME TO HELL (iTunes) – If I’d seen this before I ran into my first real-life gypsy woman in Paris, I’d have given her a couple Euros and run the other way. The fight scene inside the car in the bank’s parking garage is quite good; office supplies are dangerous.

    This film had a lot of cats jumping out from behind garbage cans in dark alleys … except that they’re demons rather than cats, and it’s not always dark when they jump… Some of the creepier startles happen in broad daylight. It’s a bit like EVIL DEAD with a huge budget and a script; there’s a sense of humor at work here, but it doesn’t diminish the impact of the horrific elements and the gore.

    The FLY and the GOAT make it all worthwhile.

    LEFT BEHIND: THE MOVIE – This post-rapture film is the likely the only movie Kirk Cameron can act in and not be the worst actor in the show. This film is horrible, but it’s so horrible, it wraps around and starts to become good again. In order to save others the pain of watching the film, I made my notes available via Twitter to the rest of humanity that was left behind in today’s rapture.

    The first shot… “JERUSALEM 6:00PM” – is there something about the 6PM number? #TweetingLeftBehind

    “Mediterranean Sea 6:04pm” – yes, because the sea occupies one time zone. #TweetingLeftBehind

    Agricultural projects always have huge defence facilities in Israel #TweetingLeftBehind

    It’s official – Kirk Cameron still can’t act. #TweetingLeftBehind

    Conspiracy theory guy has a magic cigarette – it appears and disappears, lit, the unlit… #TweetingLeftBehind

    The NWO blue-print essay “Rational Selection” is a single-spaced, solid block of text in 8 pt font. tl;dr. #TweetingLeftBehind

    OH NOES! EUROPE AND KOREA STANDARDIZE CURRENCY! KOREUROS! #TweetingLeftBehind

    If you need a crazy old guy to speak Hebrew prophetically? GET SOMEONE WHO CAN SPEAK HEBREW. #TweetingLeftBehind

    “…and who will deliver The Arabs? Their children cry from hunger and they still chose war!” #TweetingLeftBehind

    “he’s found it difficult to give up his meddling ways…” Once a member of the Scooby Gang, ALWAYS a member! #TweetingLeftBehind

    SOMEONE CHECK THE ENGINES! NO PLANE RUNS THIS QUIETLY! #TweetingLeftBehind

    I’m no pilot, but I’m pretty sure flight decks don’t look like closets with dials glued on #TweetingLeftBehind

    Flight attendant, over-acting at woman who’s sitting down “SIT DOWN! WE’LL FIND THEM!” #TweetingLeftBehind

    We don’t have the budget for the extras you’re offering – do you have any from the clearance bin? #TweetingLeftBehind

    Trying to stop from laughing so much… reminding myself that people ACTUALLY DO BELIEVE THIS #TweetingLeftBehind

    Seriously, was everyone raptured while laying on their backs, spread-eagle? #TweetingLeftBehind

    PA announces “CURFEW VIOLATORS WILL BE SHOT ON SITE” then they see Kirk Cameron & DON’T SHOOT HIM. Lying bastards. #TweetingLeftBehind

    Why are the cut flowers dead in the house shortly after the rapture? Mass flower suicide? #TweetingLeftBehind

    Adulterers, Scientists, Academics, Priests (but not the Pope), Smokers, Lesbians, Bad Actors – People left behind #TweetingLeftBehind

    The Pilot gets all the choice stupid lines in post-Rapture world, but Kirk gets the lesbians. #TweetingLeftBehind

    I’m pretty sure God’s the jerk who put the bomb in that car. #TweetingLeftBehind

    The “You you’ve been left behind” video is great, preacher’s “This isn’t believable to you?” reaction; priceless #TweetingLeftBehind

    Seriously – this film deserves midnight screenings with audience participation, Kirk Cameron bad-acting-competitions. #TweetingLeftBehind

    UNTOUCHABLES, but with a pistol instead of a baseball bat? Oh, and really REALLY bad acting… #TweetingLeftBehind

    The end credit theme music is a fantastic example of Christian rock music… completely soulless and vapid #TweetingLeftBehind


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