• Updating the resume

    by  • 2/1/2009 • life • 0 Comments

    Using some exceptionally helpful information I have found on a couple livejournal posts, I think it’s time to update the old resume again… I might just copy and paste chunks from the Cthulhu resume.

    I swear some of these entries should appear on my own resume, or I could see appearing on those of my past (current?) co-workers. The doing speed in the bathroom line item would be a co-worker I had back when I worked in the college computer labs.

    LEADERSHIP SKILLS

    • As a enormous squid like being of huge power I am used to working with a wide variety of human resources and bending them to my will.
    • I have a long record of embracing diversity by consuming the curious and weak-willed from a wide variety of cultures.
    • I have effectively managed huge hoards of treasure.
    • I have negotiated an agreement with savages whereby they sacrifice virgins in my honour during the summer solstice in exchange for my protection.

    TECHNICAL SKILLS

    • I can control the very nature of multi-dimensional spacetime itself.
    • I have extensive IT skills using Visual Basic, Microsoft products such as Word, Excel and Powerpoint and coding in PERL. I was responsible for the rise to power and influence of Bill Gates.

    1999: Work Experience I Pretend Was A Real Job

    • Panic attacks
    • Putting books in order
    • Messing about with the library ordering system

    1999-2001: Weekend Job That Paid So Little People In Sweatshops Would Be Appalled

    • Putting things in envelopes
    • Arguing about music with some guy I vaguely fancied
    • Really long lunchbreaks
    • Like, really long

    2000: Work Experience That I Got Paid For

    • Completely failing to complete any tasks
    • Taking lots of confiscated drugs
    • Showing up very, very drunk
    • Missing one day of the ten due to aforementioned drugs
    • Sleeping at work a lot

    2002: Shitty Retail Job I Got Fired From After Three Days

    • Combing wigs
    • Standing around looking bored
    • Not being allowed to sit down
    • Flirting with drunk teenagers

    2003: Job At University

    • Not actually doing anything I was being paid to do
    • Taking speed in the toilets
    • Reading course books and pretending to be invisible

    2004: Work Experience That I Also Pretend Was A Real Job

    • Fucking about on the internet
    • Making up disgusting jokes with my boss
    • Drinking at work
    • Occasionally correcting people’s spelling in a morally superior snotty fashion.

    2004-2005: Part-Time Job I Pretend Was Full-Time

    • Fucking about on the internet
    • Hating the MD so much it nearly gave me an ulcer
    • Long lunchbreaks
    • Not actually being allowed to do anything

    2005: Job In Which I Took The Piss To An Amazing Extent

    • Fucking about on the internet
    • European-length lunchbreaks
    • Lying about how much work I was doing
    • Heat Magazine
    • Text message Olympics
    • Gold-medal piss-taking

    2005-2006: The Most Annoying Boss I Have Ever Had

    • Fucking about on the internet
    • Attempting to communicate in emails made entirely of poetry
    • Copious tea consumption
    • Showing up drunk in the afternoons along with rest of colleagues
    • Self-harm in the toilets
    • Refusing to plug my phone in
    • Fighting with my boss because she was a psychotic bitch
    • Text message Olympics
    • Writing gay porn at work
    • Hating people who despite being paid 3x what I was earning to do half the work, couldn’t be bothered to uphold their part of the deal, ie MARKING THEIR CHANGES

    2006: Job Where I Spent More Time Educating My Colleagues Than Working

    • Fucking about on the internet
    • Reading books under the desk
    • Trying to avoid phoning people as requested
    • Explaining concepts like “religious tolerance” to the cretins I worked with

    2006: Job Where I Once Worked A 14-Hour Day

    • Fucking about on the internet
    • Crying because the air-con was broken
    • Having a wildly inappropriate crush on my boss
    • Actual work. Quite a lot of it.

    2007-present: The World’s Most Monotonous Job

    • RSI
    • Daydreaming
    • Piss-taking length of toilet breaks
    • Audiobooks
    • A monkey could do this job
    • Text message Olympics
    • Writing gay porn at work


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