Using some exceptionally helpful information I have found on a couple livejournal posts, I think it’s time to update the old resume again… I might just copy and paste chunks from the Cthulhu resume.

I swear some of these entries should appear on my own resume, or I could see appearing on those of my past (current?) co-workers. The doing speed in the bathroom line item would be a co-worker I had back when I worked in the college computer labs.

LEADERSHIP SKILLS

• As a enormous squid like being of huge power I am used to working with a wide variety of human resources and bending them to my will.
• I have a long record of embracing diversity by consuming the curious and weak-willed from a wide variety of cultures.
• I have effectively managed huge hoards of treasure.
• I have negotiated an agreement with savages whereby they sacrifice virgins in my honour during the summer solstice in exchange for my protection.

TECHNICAL SKILLS

• I can control the very nature of multi-dimensional spacetime itself.
• I have extensive IT skills using Visual Basic, Microsoft products such as Word, Excel and Powerpoint and coding in PERL. I was responsible for the rise to power and influence of Bill Gates.

1999: Work Experience I Pretend Was A Real Job

• Panic attacks
• Putting books in order
• Messing about with the library ordering system

1999-2001: Weekend Job That Paid So Little People In Sweatshops Would Be Appalled

• Putting things in envelopes
• Arguing about music with some guy I vaguely fancied
• Really long lunchbreaks
• Like, really long

2000: Work Experience That I Got Paid For

• Completely failing to complete any tasks
• Taking lots of confiscated drugs
• Showing up very, very drunk
• Missing one day of the ten due to aforementioned drugs
• Sleeping at work a lot

2002: Shitty Retail Job I Got Fired From After Three Days

• Combing wigs
• Standing around looking bored
• Not being allowed to sit down
• Flirting with drunk teenagers

2003: Job At University

• Not actually doing anything I was being paid to do
• Taking speed in the toilets
• Reading course books and pretending to be invisible

2004: Work Experience That I Also Pretend Was A Real Job

• Fucking about on the internet
• Making up disgusting jokes with my boss
• Drinking at work
• Occasionally correcting people’s spelling in a morally superior snotty fashion.

2004-2005: Part-Time Job I Pretend Was Full-Time

• Fucking about on the internet
• Hating the MD so much it nearly gave me an ulcer
• Long lunchbreaks
• Not actually being allowed to do anything

2005: Job In Which I Took The Piss To An Amazing Extent

• Fucking about on the internet
• European-length lunchbreaks
• Lying about how much work I was doing
• Heat Magazine
• Text message Olympics
• Gold-medal piss-taking

2005-2006: The Most Annoying Boss I Have Ever Had

• Fucking about on the internet
• Attempting to communicate in emails made entirely of poetry
• Copious tea consumption
• Showing up drunk in the afternoons along with rest of colleagues
• Self-harm in the toilets
• Refusing to plug my phone in
• Fighting with my boss because she was a psychotic bitch
• Text message Olympics
• Writing gay porn at work
• Hating people who despite being paid 3x what I was earning to do half the work, couldn’t be bothered to uphold their part of the deal, ie MARKING THEIR CHANGES

2006: Job Where I Spent More Time Educating My Colleagues Than Working

• Fucking about on the internet
• Reading books under the desk
• Trying to avoid phoning people as requested
• Explaining concepts like “religious tolerance” to the cretins I worked with

2006: Job Where I Once Worked A 14-Hour Day

• Fucking about on the internet
• Crying because the air-con was broken
• Having a wildly inappropriate crush on my boss
• Actual work. Quite a lot of it.

2007-present: The World’s Most Monotonous Job

• RSI
• Daydreaming
• Piss-taking length of toilet breaks
• Audiobooks
• A monkey could do this job
• Text message Olympics
• Writing gay porn at work