• New Age Energy is real; it just needs the right prep work…

    by  • 9/28/2008 • humor, skeptic • 0 Comments

    I’ve been haunting the JREF forums, discussing Bigfoot and homeopathy and New Age Energy. There are discussions about million dollar challenge applicants and psychics in general. I saw a thread on “New Age Energy” and I couldn’t resist replying

    I find it disturbing how easily my fellow skeptics just dismiss out of hand the possibility that New Age Energy is a real possibility. The trouble is that you’re limiting yourselves too early on into a narrow definition of the word “Energy.”

    I assure you, Energy is possible from New Age sources. Now, I’m no scientician, so I’m not sure on the exact numbers, so bear with me.

    Now, let’s say that you have a furnace in your home for heating; until now you’ve bought heating oil, natural gas, wood, coal, or another consumable to burn for heat in the winter.

    I offer up nature’s perfect fuel; 100% organic, locally sourced New Age Energy.

    First, you need to gather all the psychics, new age healers, mentalists herbalists, chiropractors, iridologists, Roto Rooter / Ghost Hunters and anyone else who claims that they have energy rays that emanate from their eyes or their hands. All cities seem to have a large number of such people, and you can gather them together by advertising a free seminar with Deepak Chopra or Kevin Trudeau. Advertise it and they will come.

    Now, there will be a fair bit of noise, and you will need a decent amount of storage, so I would recommend a nice out of the way location like a warehouse on the edge of town. Mention in the ads that it’s the site of an ancient tomb or something to quell any suspicions in the attendees.

    Now, there are a couple ways to go once all the New Agers are gathered, but carbon monoxide is a nice painless option.

    Other equipment that is needed:

    • Large volume wood chipper
    • Tarps
    • Production freeze-drying equipment
    • Packaging equipment

    You’d be surprised how much energy is contained inside your average tofu fed New Ager; a couple of them, chipped and dried can provide heat all winter long. Nearly free energy from a wholly new age source.


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