My idea is pretty simple, and it will speed up lines at airports across North America…

WASHINGTON — The government’s terrorist watch list has swelled to more than 755,000 names, according to a new government report that has raised worries about the list’s effectiveness. — USA Today

It’s simple, and involves less work in ongoing maintenance, though civil liberties advocates in the United States might take issue with it. Maintain a list that only contains the names and vitals of those who are allowed to fly. Everyone may apply, and only the non-whiny, non-abusive, non-jackass applicants are added to the list.

Part of the approval process will be an interview process. The interviews will go something like this;

1. Arrive two hours ahead of your interview as instructed
2. You are given a slip of paper with a number on it
3. Take off your shoes and juggle all your possessions while an official with a gun inspects your slip of paper and looks at you suspiciously
4. Wander on your own in a large hangar with numbers and signs all over in a language you do not read
5. When you find the number of the desk that matches the one on your slip of paper, they will be closed.
6. Nobody will be able to speak any language you have ever heard
7. Except the person making the announcements on the PA
8. Strain to listen to the announcements that are read too fast and with the MURBLE turned way up
9. Finally decide after a couple false starts that you need to be at desk J37, not KD7 or AC7 or any other similar sounding desk. Mostly through trial and error.
10. Arrive at the desk to find someone who both speaks and understands a language you know. This person will smile apologetically and say that the desk is now closed and that you will have to be rebooked at the next available desk. No, they’re sorry there’s nothing they can do, as the desk’s drawers have already closed. The person behind the desk will not respond to threat or intimidation.
11. There’s a $200 rebooking fee
12. Accept the rebooking and head off in search of the desk for your new appointment, with four hours left.
13. When you finally make it to your appointment, they stamp your passport with a “CAN FLY” stamp and they enter your name in the database. Have a nice day.

If you can make it to the rebooked appointment without killing anyone, and without complaining too loudly about the $3 small, regular coffee in the hangar, then you may also be added to the list. Expect to be re-tested for continued listing. Failure to jump through hoops upon demand will result in immediate de-listing. I believe that this process would actually ease my traveling, as the annoying car salesmen and loud talkers would soon be de-listed, as would anyone who might not understand line-waiting dynamics. Screw up at an ATM or in a coffee line, bang! you’re off the list.

Man, I wish I had the ability to flag someone on a terrorist watch list when I was doing internet technical support, you can bet I could come up with at least one candidate for retaliatory watchlisting each week. How many of these 500+ new adds to the airline no-fly watchlist are people who screamed and bitched and yelled over inconsequential items; WHERE’S MY FREE NEWSPAPER?! WHY DO YOU NOT SERVE A MEAL ON THIS FLIGHT?! YOU’RE STUPID! WHERE’S MY LUGGAGE?!

Daily terrorists are a bigger concern in my life than the abstract ones with bombs in the heel of their shoe. Find a scanner for security that will keep out loud talkers or chatterers and flying would be so much nicer.