I think that some of the problem comes down to envy. I mean, I off-handedly mentioned what my plans were to D today as I was getting ready to head out for the gallery show-proposal preparation day. She had a hard day of being co-dependant with a bunch of manic-depressives in a choir called (I kid you not) Highs and Lows. It’s for people who are in treatment or have been in treatment for mental problems. The gallery that she’s a member of, and the only place she’s had a solo show at, is also dedicated to co-dependency in the exact same way. There’s such a thing as being too much of a victim…

I digress. So, I head off on the first day of my weekend to go buy slide film, setup artwork shoot, take slides, develop film, come home, and finish re-doing the drawings for my proposal package that I’m submitting to Access. Basically just drafting-style layouts of the size and arrangement of pieces I’m proposing to put together for a show.

(A) 2 – 24″ x 48″

(B) 1 – 64″ x 160″ (five panels of 64″ x 36″)

(C) 4 – 36″ x 60″

(D) 5 – 24″ x 36″

(E) 1 – 60″ x 100″ (one panel)

(F) a hundred small paper works

2 of (A) are on the easel right now, one of (C) is done, and MAYBE I’ll use an existing piece for (E)… not sure yet. (F) is likely done – I might not go that route, opting to use that wall for canvas, but we’ll see what happens.

That’s a whole lot of paintings and they’re barely conceived yet, though the five panel piece looks good in my head… I think I know exactly what I want it to look like. I can see the whole space coming together in my head.

This is where I believe that I have some chance of success where D doesn’t. I’m willing to put it on the line, do the work, and get off my ass WHILE maintaining a fulltime job. Sure, I wasn’t abused as a kid, and I don’t get mopey all the time, but sometimes you need to stop looking for more ways to feel bad and break the cycle…. But, rather than get up and do something about it, I suppose it’s easier to stay in that whole manic-depressive world, showing your work at a gallery filled with crazies with no money. Where’s the challenge?

Ramble ramble ramble…

My basic point is that I think D is feeling inadequete since I’m getting out there and keeping a fulltime job AND working in my studio AND trying to apply myself to getting out there and showing my work. I’m not going to be handed a solo show in some shitty gallery because I’m an “abuse survivor.” Tell it to Dr. Phil and leave me out of it. I’m going to work at getting these proposals nailed down and get me some stuff done.

There’s also a gallery in Ontario looking for proposals. I think I’m going to put something together for that too if I can find out what their market is.