• New from Calvin Klein: Earthquake Obsession

    by  • 2/28/2001 • humor, life, Vancouver • 0 Comments

    Okay, so there was an earthquake down in Seattle Washington today that was felt by any number of people here in the Lower Mainland. A couple of us from work noticed it in different ways, with different experiences to report.

    This happened at roughly 11:00 AM Wednesday. By 7:00pm you’d think that the quake had just happened, as it was all that they were talking about on the radio and tv. It’s all that people talked about all freakin’ day long.

    I got sick of hearing people tell the same stories and reading the same reports from the same boring reporters time after time.

    People were simply amazed that there was an earthquake here in the Mecca of Western Canada where Nothing Bad Ever Happens. It’s like Never Never Land here half the time, and today was no exception. We’re sitting on an active fault here, and people still suffer from the not-in-my-backyard syndrome in areas other than Skytrain and Grizzly hunting. Quelle surprise.

    I do have to record my own experience with the shake, mostly since it just helps to illustrate how surreal my days can appear when looking through these two eyes.

    A couple of us went for an early lunch with a vendor, and we were standing in line waiting to pay for our food. Well, the vendor was waiting to pay for all of our food, but you get the idea. I was looking at the salads in the cooler, all stacked up in their individual serving containers, all nice and see-through and waiting to be taken home by a hungry patron. I couldn’t help but think of them as lonely little salads, just waiting for companionship, and finding only a hungry predator.

    So, I’m observing the salad-prey and they start dancing around. Nothing so violent, but they began to sway in time to the music. We’re not talking large stacks here – maybe a foot tall and the highest, and pretty loose. Barry White was playing loudly over the speakers in the store, and there were the lonely salads swaying in time to the music. This was too weird, but I wasn’t fazed. I was cool about the now-mobile lunch items, as if lunch generally wiggles for me.

    After watching this for a second or two, I point this out to the vendor to see if maybe I can spread the solitary hallucination, maybe shooting for mass hysteria if I can get enough thai-noodle-salad-fearing patrons to believe the dancing salads. Mass hysteria would be so cool. Okay, that checks out, and he sees the wiggling noodles. That’s one.

    He suggests a solution to the wiggling food product issue that easily wins the Occam’s Razor test; it’s mighty simple and easy to demonstrate. James jumped up and down on the loose floor boards, producing a similar, yet not identical result in the salads. We shrug, and carry on to the cash register, after watching for less than 30 seconds.

    Sometimes the easiest answer isn’t always the correct one it would seem. We came up with yet another rational solution to the reason we didn’t FEEL the shaking – and we blame the deep bass that is loud Barry White music. The fact that the swaying was in time with the music just added to the camouflage.

    As for the people panicking and running screaming from their buildings, it just goes to illustrate the stupidity of the human race. Ever see the scenes in Deep Impact when the tidal wave comes, and people are running like mad? Near the beaches? Like they can get away from a falling meteorite. Or in Independence Day, running from the fire truck hurtling through the air right at you. Dumb…

    So, ya, relax people. We’re in an active seismic zone. The ground will shake. Put those Y2K supplies that you idiots all bought up, and hide out in the cellar till the shaking is over, and let those of us with brains do the re-populating for a change. Maybe the genetic stock will do better that way.

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